


Closed Doors Open

by Swan_Song



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Heartbroken Peter Nureyev, Junoverse | Juno Steel Universe, Late Night Conversations, Nightmares, Other, Reconciliation, Sad Peter Nureyev, peter nureyev failing to conpartmentalise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-25
Updated: 2019-10-25
Packaged: 2021-01-02 19:56:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21167024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Swan_Song/pseuds/Swan_Song
Summary: Peter Ransom (for the time being, that is) is used to to filing his thoughts away. For future consideration, you see? He also possesses the uncanny ability to run away from said future. But now the future caught up with him.





	Closed Doors Open

Peter Ransom (for the time being, at least), walked into the common room of the ship. It was the middle of the night, and he was tired and raw and hurt. He always possessed the uncanny ability to file things away, put them in neat drawers in his mind space. For future consideration, that is. He was also an expert at running away from said future for as long as possible. Indefinitely, even. But now, after another nightmare of door after door locked in his face as he begs for them to open, for  _ him _ to be there, alive, willing, just come to him and run together… it was understandable that all these neat little drawers were thrown around, emptied of their content for the whole world to see. 

So when he walked in and saw Juno Steel, staring blankly at the wall in front of him, his nerves were understandably rattled. He took a step forward, meaning to check if he’s asleep, and that was enough to jolt Juno out of his thought. The former PI quickly reached for his laser blaster, before realising it's not there. Before realising there’s no threat, at least not one he can shoot. 

And in his eye… Peter could read every emotion in his eye. Residues of terror mixing with rising shame, pain giving way to resignation, and something that Peter could  _ swear _ was longing, soft and sad and gentle. He was sincere, Juno Steel. Gruff and annoying and charming and beautiful and so truthful it hurt as it drew Peter in once again, and usually he would file it away for future consideration but now all the drawers were on the floor and empty and the future finally caught up with him. 

And then Juno was walking away toward the exit, mumbling an exhausted apology. And just as he was walking past him and out the door, Peter was struck with overwhelming loneliness, the mighty need to not be alone, to have Juno hold him again like he did that night in the hotel, even if it means that he would disappear once again in the morning. 

“You don’t  _ have _ to leave, you know. Don’t let my presence deter you from staying here and doing… whatever it is you were doing.” Even in his unstable state, he didn’t lose all his dignity. He could never let Juno know how much he needed him, especially not after he spent weeks now pricking needles and keeping him away. 

“I wasn’t doing anything important. Just… it doesn’t matter. I’m not stupid enough to not notice that you’re mad at me, Ransom. And you have every right to be. So I won’t force you to be around me more than you have to. I’m selfish, but not nearly selfish enough.” His voice was raw with emotion as he swallowed thickly, letting out a bitter chuckle. He was going to make Peter say it. No, that wasn’t Juno’s style. He simply didn’t understand Peter’s backhanded request, straightforward as he was. 

“Would you…” Peter’s voice faded for a moment. “Would you join me? We could do nothing important together.” He said quietly, and Juno turned back to him. Confusion flashed on his face. Caution too. And then another emotion settled in his eye, one he saw when they were thrown back into their cell down in the Martian tomb, worse by the day. It was present when he stumbled forward, unstable on his feet because of electric shock after electric shock, and Juno caught him and fell down with him. It was worry. 

“Yeah. Yeah, okay.” Juno answered, walking back in through the open door they sat together, not touching but close enough to reach out if either of them found the courage to. Just sitting there, Peter’s hurt festered in him. He couldn’t file it away anymore, couldn’t swallow it down either, so he let it all out. 

“You left. I trusted you, I… I gave you my heart, Juno, I gave you my name, I gave you everything and you just  _ left _ . You promised to run with me and I woke up alone.” He spat out, letting all the anger in his heart pour out. “I trusted you and you broke it. I was willing to bet my name for you, I trusted you like I never trusted anyone before, not since…” his voice trailed off. He was waiting for Juno to deny, aching for a fight. But Juno didn’t indulge him. He just looked at him, with an expression that Peter couldn’t read. “Well, are you going to defend yourself, Juno? Or are you going to sit here with a dull expression in your face?” He stabbed, trying to rile Juno up. 

“I was waiting for you to finish. I won’t stop you, because you’re right. I was a piece of shit, and you deserve better. You always did. You put your trust in me, and I… I took it for granted. I’m sorry for that, Peter. I really am. I’m trying to change, to be a better person, and I know that means pretty much nothing to you after what I did, but…” Juno’s voice trailed off. “I expected you to lash at me more, if we’re being honest.” He has a bitter smile on his lips, like he deserved that lashing. 

“Then why did you stay?” The thief was confused. If Juno expected to be yelled at, beaten up… why would he stay in a place where he knew he would be hurt? Was it part of his self sacrificial streak? No, as much as Peter hated admitting it, Juno Steel has changed quite a lot. He wasn’t the same person who locked himself in a room with a ticking time bomb and a woman hell bent on murdering him. He seemed… better. Healthier. More confident. And at the same time, he also appeared more broken and hurt. Like he’s been through tragedy after tragedy after tragedy, but grew from them. 

“Because… because you needed this. Didn’t you? You needed to let this out, because it’s been rotting in for too long. It’s been there all this time, building up. And the look in your eyes… you looked like you needed me to stay, so I did. Because I care about you.” Peter couldn’t help but huff a bitter laughter at that. He felt almost bad when Juno shrunk down. Almost. “I know you have no reason to trust me. I know. I broke your trust once already. But if you allow me…” He didn’t finish the sentence. 

“Seems like the roles have been reversed, haven’t they?” Peter sank into the couch heavily, letting the tension seep out of him. “The first time, it was I who broke your trust, then asked for you to put it in me without much proof. And now you ask that I do the same thing. I’m curious, are you not afraid that I break your trust, just to get back at you?” He glanced at Juno, whose face wore a soft, thoughtful and melancholic expression, and Peter knew, just knew, that inside he was probably monologuing. 

“Terrified, but it has nothing to do with you. I had my trust broken a lot lately, so I’m cautious with it. But you have my complete trust. There are few people I trust completely. Rita is one, you are the second. And… that’s pretty much it, honestly.” He answered eventually, and Peter could see it was genuine. Just Juno, trying to give him the truth as he knew it. 

So what should Peter do? Should he once again put his trust in the man who broke it before? Should he deny him for good? What should he do?

“I asked you something that you don’t answer, Juno. Why did you leave?” He decided to ask. Maybe the answer to this was what he needed to decide. 

“I left because I was scared. Because my whole life, if something started feeling too good it was either fake, or a trap, or going to be over soon. And loving you… it was the best feeling I felt in a long, long time. It was a unique thing, one of a kind, just like you.” He paused, a tiny sad smile on his lips and again this  _ longing _ , so deep it was etched in his bones. “No, not was. Is.” He confessed, looking with his one eye at Peter with such intensity that he wanted to be devoured whole by that gaze. And then it was over, and Juno slumped back. His posture said  _ well, guess it’s useless now. I know you don’t love me anymore _ and dammit Peter wanted to punch his stupid face because how could he stop loving this impossible, kind, sad, pathetic, heroic person? How could he forget the one for whom he was willing to bet his name?

“I… I have something unfair over you. Back when we were in the tomb, you allowed me to dive into your memories. I can’t… I can’t give you that back, but I can swear that whatever you ask tonight, whatever memory you want, I will give it to you. It’s not the same, but…” Juno’s voice was so soft, so impossibly kind, that Peter just wanted to lean in, to close the distance between them and - no. No, he can’t do that. He needs to stay away, can’t rely on him again like that. 

“You… really don’t need to, Juno. This has nothing to do with anything.” He didn’t look at him, messing with his fingers instead. 

“I might not need to, but I want to. I… I want you to know whatever you want to know about me. My core. The things that make me who I am. If you don’t want to, that’s fine. All you need to do is say. But if there’s anything you want to know…” Juno’s voice was open, so different from how he used to sound. He wasn’t defensive and prickly, he was just… him. Just him and nothing else. And Peter has the feeling that whatever he was saying was the truth. 

“Okay. Then tell me about your family, Juno Steel.” Peter couldn’t help but start with a stab. He drew some satisfaction from the hitch in Juno’s breath. He knew Benzaiten Steel was a touchy subject, but… well, Juno offered. He should’ve been prepared. 

“Fine. My… my mother was Sarah Steel. She was a writer for Northstar Entertainment, back when they were still a small, struggling studio and not a galactic megacorporation. Their best writer. I had a brother too. His name was Benzaiten. We called him Benten or Ben for short. He was… everything I’m not. Fun, bubbly, nice… he liked to smile and laugh. He was a dance instructor. And… he was murdered. By our mother.” Juno took a deep breath, and Peter wanted to stop him, say that’s enough, but Juno continued. 

“The first four years of our life were… good. Things were good. Yes, Sarah had her… moments, her bad moments of lashing out, but she’d apologise immediately. She tried. But then… then her work, her life project, was stolen by a person she trusted. He took it, and she was fired, and… she stopped trying. We moved to Oldtown, and she was getting worse by the day. I spent most of my time out of the house, wandering around the sewers with the rabbits or drinking with my friends when we were eight and old enough to to drink. Ben did too, but he tried to be with Sarah more. He always saw the good in people. In her.” He paused again, and this time Peter didn’t even bother trying to interfere. 

“And that’s what got him killed. Me, as soon as I could leave the house, I did. But Benten stayed. He stayed with her even though she was unstable and violent and manipulative. Even after all that, he stayed. And one day, she snapped. Killed him over missing pills that she found minutes later in her bag. And when I came there to see him, she… she said it should’ve been me.” He stopped completely this time, and Peter couldn’t help but imagine a young, scared Juno, begging to see his brother only to be met with his mother saying “it should’ve been you”. 

“You didn’t have to talk about it, you know…” He whispered quietly. 

“I promised, didn’t I? The truth. Every memory you ask for. I didn’t give you much choice in terms of memory to look at. You’re looking for what makes me Juno Steel? That’s as good a place as any to start. Better than most, really.” Juno tried to keep a composed front, but it wasn’t very good. He was an open book of raw emotion and by god Peter missed this. He wanted to be like that too, sometimes. It seemed so effortless on Juno, but Peter knew this isn’t as easy as it seems. 

“I…” Peter started, looking at Juno with hesitant eyes. Juno was hunched, staring at his hands. There was a tear track down his cheek, and he didn’t even bother wiping it away. So Peter reaches his hand gently to do that. He didn’t know why he did it, didn’t think it through, but he did. And Juno froze under his hand, so different from the night he left. It pained him. 

“You don’t have to.” Juno’s voice was quiet, coarse like he was choking on it. “You don’t have to act nice, you don’t have to pretend.” Peter was confused. Why would he pretend? What motive does Juno think he has to lie about it?

“I’m not.” He said quietly, and Juno’s laughter was a dagger in his flesh. 

“Then what’s your deal,  _ Ransom _ ? Cause you made it pretty clear that you hate me already, and I get that. I get that, and you have every reason to, and I made my peace with that. If you want me here so don’t push me away, and if you want me away don’t… don’t do this kind of things. Don’t… don’t give me hope. It’s cruel.” The smile on his face was bitter and heartbroken. “Unless that’s the point? I earned that kind of cruelty, after all. That’s okay too. I’ll understand. Just… tell me. Tell me what it is.” Peter never thought he would see Juno Steel beg for something, but he was begging now. 

“Did you stop to think that maybe I don’t hate you? Did you maybe think that I miss you too? That I fell for you, and I’m afraid that you will break my heart again?” Peter spat out at Juno, whose eye widened in confusion and shock. That idiot, he didn’t even consider that, did he? “The reason I was so adamant on being angry, on keeping you away, was because I am scared, Juno. I gave you everything and you left, so how can you expect me to just… go back to the way things way before?!” Juno shook his head. 

“I don’t. That’s the entire point! I don’t expect things to go back to the way they used to be. I don’t expect anything, I just want to know what the hell you want to do. It’s up to you, Peter. Not me. If you want to talk, we’ll talk. If you want to stay quiet, we will. Just say what you want.” He looked up at Peter with love and softness and sadness, a torn, open look that made whatever was left of Peter’s determination to stay away crumble. 

“I don’t know, Juno. I want to keep away from you, to preserve myself, but then I wake up from nightmares about you locking the door on me and I… I just want you to be there. I want that night to never have ended.” He sighed, looking down. Juno reached out, hesitantly raising his hand to… to do what, Peter wondered. Stroke his cheek or comb his hair or rest it on his shoulder, or what? Then he changed his mind, lowering it and hesitantly placing it on top of Peter’s, strong warm fingers wrapping around long and slender ones. He started talking, stroking slow circles into his Peter’s hand with his thumb. 

“I wish I could go back to that night. It was… one of my biggest regrets, you know. I kept imagining… what if. What if I stayed, and we ran to the stars together. It was different every time. One time it was us as Duke and Dahlia Rose, in another heist, in another we’re just… enjoying ourselves, somewhere far away, and sometimes… sometimes we just barely cheat death. But it’s okay, because we manage to do it, and we’re together, and we have the rest of our lives to do it again.” Juno’s voice was almost hypnotic, rich and deep and slow. 

“You never stop talking, do you?” Peter asked softly. There was no malice in the question, and it was asked with sweet fondness he didn’t know he still had in him. Juno smiled, looking down. He was self conscious about it, maybe. It seemed to be the case, at least. 

“Sorry. It’s just… it’s something that used to help me, when I was in a bad place, just listening to someone talk. It could be about anything, really. And when I grew up and there was no one left to do it for me, I started talking like that to myself. It’s just… that’s the only way I know to help.” Juno’s voice was soft and a little distant, like he was thinking about a time long gone. 

“Your brother used to do it for you, right?” This time the mention of Benzaiten Steel wasn’t an attempt to poke Juno, but to learn about him. To understand him. He nodded, a soft smile on his face that Peter wished he was able to put there himself. 

“You should’ve heard his monologues. Much happier than mine. He was a snarky guy, but in a funny way, not a bitter one. It was nice, listening to him. He would talk about everything around, just… grounding you in the moment. Or, if the moment was bad, he would talk about his dreams. Or about a nicer moment. Or just what he was thinking. He had a pretty great imagination. Guess… guess that’s something he took from Sarah that she wasn’t able to twist.” Peter (Ransom? Nureyev? Which was he?) realised that Juno was able to draw him out of his shell once again, like a person sitting gently at a safe distance and calling to themself a wounded animal, gaining its trust and waiting for it to come to them as they talked in a slow, soothing voice to ease its worries. 

“You frighten me, you know that, Juno Steel? Every time I tell myself I should stay away, I should keep to myself and not rely on anyone, least of all you. I tell myself that I don’t need anyone, that it’s unsafe to be attached. And then you would do… something like this, or anything really. You give that smile that lets someone read your soul, or you start monologuing in that voice of yours that makes the world seem to stop for a moment and listen, or… you get my point. And then I’m drawn to you all over again. I get drawn to you, and I can’t stop  _ being _ drawn to you, because… you’re so many things that I’m not. You’re sincere. True, in a way I haven’t really been in so long. Or maybe ever, really. I can never keep my right mind when you’re near.” Peter spoke quietly, focusing on their one point of contact, the intertwined hands laying in the space between them, Juno’s firm grasp forcing Peter to exist in the moment, in his body, and… it was not a bad sensation. Peter floated through so much of his life unattached that a bit of grounding and stability felt… nice. Calm. He wanted more. 

Ever so slowly, Peter leaned in. He leaned into the touch until it wasn’t just their hands touching, but Peter’s head was on Juno’s shoulder. It felt… good. Juno was solid and stable and warm, and Peter gravitated towards him. Juno let go of his hand for a moment, and Peter was afraid he did something wrong, afraid this will end so soon, but Juno only released it to scoot closer and wrap it around Peter’s shoulders, taking his hand once again with his other one. 

“Why are  _ you _ here at such a time, Juno?” Peter asked gently. He tilted his head a little so it was almost buried in Juno’s neck. He could practically see his blood pumping under his skin, hear his heartbeats. He knew how easy it was to make those same heartbeats just… stop. Forever. People were so fragile. But he wanted Peter’s heart to keep beating. Wanted that steady rhythm to never end. 

“Nightmares. I wanted to clear my head but all I managed to do was get deeper into it until I barely saw what’s around me. That’s why I freaked out when I noticed you came in.” He explained, holding Peter  _ (Nureyev, he was Peter Nureyev again for the first time in a long time and by god he didn’t want to be anyone else) _ close and letting his voice vibrate through his body, deep and rich and soothing. 

“What were you dreaming about? You don’t… you don’t have to answer. I know you promised, but… you don’t have to.” Peter asked. Juno talking seemed to help both him and Peter calm down. And who knows, maybe Peter can help him too. 

“It was… a lot of things. Some parts were Miasma torturing you, while I know I can’t read your mind but still try because if I don’t you’ll end up dead. Some parts were Ben’s dead body, and Sarah talking about how it should’ve been me and not him. Some parts were about the THEIA - did I tell you that I had a mind control chip installed in my eye? I don’t think I did, but it was… terrifying. And then they were installed on everyone in Oldtown, and Rita and I had to stop them. Anyway… yeah. Nightmares. That’s all.” Juno took a deep, shaky breath, and Peter squeezes his hand silently. Usually he was good with words, but his flourishing words didn’t seem fit for a night like this, a sincere night where nothing is held back. In the morning he would have his words back, suave and calm and probably better than he was before, with not as much clutter in his mind. But that is then, and now all he could do to express his support was this gentle squeeze of his hand, a soft promise that he doesn’t have to handle it alone. 

They stayed silent, taking comfort in each other’s presence, eyes slowly shutting and minds drifting off to sleep. Peter struggled, trying to stay awake, instinctively afraid that if he closes his eyes, Juno will be gone in the morning. 

“I’m not leaving. And I’m not shutting you out again, Peter Nureyev.” Juno murmured softly, more a vibration than sound as his head rest on Peter’s, and the master thief drifted off to sleep in the arms he yearned and ached to be wrapped in again for months. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading this! I recently got obsessed with the Junoverse, and it's not leaving my brain any time soon, so you can expect at least some more fics about the subject. I'll do my best considering I'm going into med school on Sunday.


End file.
